Breaking A Thought

I have a long history of losing to myself. Myself comprises my cravings, indulgence, unawareness of both of those, and potentially no consistency in the pursuit of improving the situation. Just acts of hopelessness, haphazardness, and short bursts cost me lots of grievance, pity, and thoughts of failure. Ultimately, I want to bring the best out of me, but I'm indifferent. What starts as a spark at the end of the tunnel ends up being a fire that burns me up when I try to escape from it. Big dreams were seen, great plans were formulated, and larger-than-life ambitions were projected, but they all took away pieces of myself. I lose myself when I try to win something else. Is it a recurring rule of life?

My mind gets clogged, gradually, when I'm not conscious of my regular actions, or when I indulge in the moment. Such instances bring me down; they make me hate, despise, and downplay myself. But I know I can achieve greatness, or at least abstain from non-greatness. But these very ideas are what make me blame myself. Am I set for something bigger than myself? To lose myself completely in its pursuit? What justifies that then? What good is greatness without authenticity? What will it conjure if I'm never able to claim that as mine because I lost myself in the process? What's the fruit for if it's not the tree on which it grew?

I need to take a step back. To perceive.

If you can fully observe a stroke of a pen, you can work your way up to what the writer is like. Deduction. The science of thinking. How to construct and deconstruct a thought.

I am miserable. Miserable means that I feel like I'm not keeping up to my mark. Then I'm a failure, not miserable. Misery consists, in part, of being a failure. Not all failures lead to misery. So what else am I miserable for? I tend to not take chances that can provide fruit, like joy and gratitude. That could be a reason, but what are the chances that you have not done so? You are gambling with your life; in every moment, you can and have to decide what you will do the next moment. You stay unconscious in those decisive moments because you choose to do so and you're inclined to comfort.

Look at an ant, a bee, or the cat that you have. Do they know what they're doing? They do not conceive the epistemological and ontological perceptual ability to frame and name the idea and the nature of their work. So, in other words, they are minding their own business and are mindless creatures in the sense that unless we interfere with their work, they will not consider or mind our existence. If that is the case of hierarchy, and we place ourselves below the uncontrollable (e.g., God, nature, externalities), then shouldn't we mind only our business? Whatever is out there, is out there, not in my hand. A war is ongoing in Gaza, another in Ukraine, a crisis of Rohingya, regular irregularities. If irregularities are so regular, and people react to them, are they of any personal concern?

It doesn't matter if I know who the current Board of Directors of Alibaba Group are. In every sense, no. Unless the information has direct relevance to my work at hand, it doesn't matter. Everything is relevant indirectly. That is why nothing that is irrelevant matters to me, Walin. Knowing the lifestyle of a sports star will not benefit my soul. They will make me feel good for the moment and afterward, perhaps creating a memory or even guilt.

I will not watch the Champions League final tonight. I was ignorant of such sports results even a month ago, and they are as irrelevant to me as they were back then.

I need to talk with myself through this pen and paper frequently and more diligently.

Escaping the world will work, but escaping myself is impossible and detrimental. So, thanks for such a healthy, constructive, beautifully organized, and insightful conversation.

Kudos! Actions await, not challenges.

- Mr. Ahmed

Originally written on - 01.06.24

Published on - 09.05.25

(This is an excerpt from my personal diary and it is only being published for demonstrating that we all have some struggles in common.)